I heard A Fine Frenzy's song "Almost Lover" by accident today and it made me start thinking about all of the guys in my life that were almost mine. There are so many people that come in and out of our lives, some that touch our lives in ways we never thought possible, some who stay forever and some who walk in and out in the blink of an eye and never know how profoundly touched by them we were.
I don't suppose there's any way we can know who we are meant to be with and who is meant to just be a stepping stone on our path's to finding the person we're supposed to be with, but I think for everyone there are certain people who will always in the back of our minds elicit a "what if...". I know there are people in my past who I think "what if I would've told them how I felt"...or "what if I would've given them another chance?" Or... Just "what if"? Would my life be different now? Would I be the person I am? Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Or would I just be different than the person I am now?
I know that there is supposed to be one person that is meant for us...The One, have you...But how do we know when we meet the one? And how do we know if the one is really the right one for us or if we're simply making a huge mistake? What if one of our almost lovers was really our "one" and we let them go? Or what if our one is standing right in front of us and we don't want to think or admit that they are the one?
If you're my one, can you please stand up?
"Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream...I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?" -A Fine Frenzy
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Floridays.
I can't even explain how nice it is to be back in Florida. To be able to see the ocean, to drive a car, to go where ever I want when I want and not have to worry about taking a cab or catching a train...It's just normal. And I'd almost forgotten what normal was. I'm still completely stressed with car shopping and house hunting and work ahead of me next week, but there's this little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, everything is going to be alright. I know everything is going to work out, it's jsut getting there that's stressing me out.
I'm going out on the boat tomorrow with my parents and I'm so excited, because that's one of the things I really missed about living down here. I hung out with my best friend from home last night and it was so good to catch up and just hang out with him again. It made me realize how much I had missed it here. Tonight I'm going out with some old friends and I'm so excited to see them since it's been almost 6 months since I've been home. Sunday is going to be utter craziness, because we're taking my Hehe, (aka Grandma), out for breakfast and then meeting my really fun extended family for a "Mother's Day Party", which basically means food, drinks and insanity all day long. After that, I'm heading to West Palm with Jen and car shopping Monday, then it's SoBe here I come!
I've kind of pushed my love life out of my mind over the past few days, but today when I was driving, yes driving, until recently a bizarre concept to me, and I started thinking. Some country song came on the radio about "you'll think of me" and I did. I started thinking of him, for the first time since I left. I started thinking that even though I barely know him and even though he's dorky and a billion miles away, I miss him. Not like the miss where you're like "I think of you every second of every day" miss, but the kind of miss that makes you think, "wow maybe this could be something worth not fucking up" miss. I think I've just been so reluctant to let myself care about him, that it took me sitting in that car, a thousand miles away, listening to a sappy country song to realize that maybe I really do care enough to try, like he keeps telling me, to make this work...That is, if he can try, too...
xoxo,
LMM
I'm going out on the boat tomorrow with my parents and I'm so excited, because that's one of the things I really missed about living down here. I hung out with my best friend from home last night and it was so good to catch up and just hang out with him again. It made me realize how much I had missed it here. Tonight I'm going out with some old friends and I'm so excited to see them since it's been almost 6 months since I've been home. Sunday is going to be utter craziness, because we're taking my Hehe, (aka Grandma), out for breakfast and then meeting my really fun extended family for a "Mother's Day Party", which basically means food, drinks and insanity all day long. After that, I'm heading to West Palm with Jen and car shopping Monday, then it's SoBe here I come!
I've kind of pushed my love life out of my mind over the past few days, but today when I was driving, yes driving, until recently a bizarre concept to me, and I started thinking. Some country song came on the radio about "you'll think of me" and I did. I started thinking of him, for the first time since I left. I started thinking that even though I barely know him and even though he's dorky and a billion miles away, I miss him. Not like the miss where you're like "I think of you every second of every day" miss, but the kind of miss that makes you think, "wow maybe this could be something worth not fucking up" miss. I think I've just been so reluctant to let myself care about him, that it took me sitting in that car, a thousand miles away, listening to a sappy country song to realize that maybe I really do care enough to try, like he keeps telling me, to make this work...That is, if he can try, too...
xoxo,
LMM
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Sorry For The Short Sabbatical.
I'm back! Between packing and traveling, I didn't have time to write over the past few days, but here I am. I'm visiting my parents for a few days, then heading down to South Florida to find a house and a car and hopefully learn some more Espanol! It's weird being out of the city, but honestly I feel more relieved than anything. I'm so excited to get to have a normal house and a normal life soon and I'm even more excited to live where there's a beach!
On the dating front this whole my life in limbo thing has kind of been a damper, but HFM and I are still on, so we'll see how that goes...I'll see him a few weeks and I guess I'll go from there. It's crazy, because I tried to break it off with him so many times because I knew I was leaving, but he would never let me, and now I'm wondering if he really wants this after all. I kind of, ok, I totally, freaked out on him 2 days before I left or something stupid, so I'm sure that really helped the whole him still wanting to be with me thing. When we first started talking I left for Florida soon after for work, and now it's like we're in the same place, and we're still getting to know each other, which is even harder when you're half way across the country. But, sa la vi, I suppose what's meant to be always finds a way and hopefully I won't find my way out of this one...
xoxo,
LMM
On the dating front this whole my life in limbo thing has kind of been a damper, but HFM and I are still on, so we'll see how that goes...I'll see him a few weeks and I guess I'll go from there. It's crazy, because I tried to break it off with him so many times because I knew I was leaving, but he would never let me, and now I'm wondering if he really wants this after all. I kind of, ok, I totally, freaked out on him 2 days before I left or something stupid, so I'm sure that really helped the whole him still wanting to be with me thing. When we first started talking I left for Florida soon after for work, and now it's like we're in the same place, and we're still getting to know each other, which is even harder when you're half way across the country. But, sa la vi, I suppose what's meant to be always finds a way and hopefully I won't find my way out of this one...
xoxo,
LMM
Monday, May 5, 2008
My Wish.
I have always been a big believer in the idea that what's meant to be, is meant to be, no matter what we do to try and change it. The older I get, the more I realize how much fate and circumstance mold our lives. I think about my life up to now and looking back I can't believe the life I've lived and where I've ended up. If you would've told me 4 years ago that I would be a matchmaker and dating coach, living in New York City, getting ready to move to Miami, I would've thought you were crazy. But now I couldn't imagine my life any other way and everything truly seems like it happened because it was supposed to happen. Even the shitty times in my life, working for a crazy person, dating a few crazy people, have all brought me to where I am today and I really couldn't ask for anything more.
My thoughts on life have also been so changed and molded over the past few years that sometimes I can't even believe I'm the same person I used to be. In college I was obsessed with going to law school and becoming an attorney, and now I literally could never see myself doing anything accept what I'm doing. When I was younger I didn't like dogs and was never a fan of children, now I love dogs and kids more than anything else in life, except God and my job, lol. I never wanted pets or kids, and I was sure I never wanted to get married, and if I did it wouldn't be until I was in my thirties. Now here I am, with the views that the person I used to be would absolutely abhor. I don't know what changed me, or how I came to be who I am now, but I'm pretty sure that for whatever reason, God wanted me to become the person I am now, with the ideals I have now, and the life I have now.
One of the main reason I was ok with leaving the city was the fact that it's so hard to settle down here and even harder to raise a family here. When I came here a few years ago, these thoughts would have never, ever come across my mind. Some days I wake up and I can't believe I'm in my mid-twenties, I feel like I was just 21 yesterday, and now here I am almost a quarter of a century old. My friends who used to be huge party girls are now spending their spare time planning weddings and baby showers instead of going to happy hour. I realize I have chosen to live my life for my career for the past 3 years, and I have chosen to live in this city where relationships are practically non-exsistent, I don't regret a second of it. I wouldn't give up any of what I have now for anything else, and I can only pray that who I am today will lead me to who I should be with tomorrow. I know life isn't easy. I know relationships aren't easy, but I can only hope that when I meet the right person it will all fall into place exactly the way it should, no matter what the circumstances. And maybe that will be the happy ending to my sort-of fairytale life.
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,You never need to carry more than you can hold,And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish."-Rascall Flatts
xoxo,
LMM
My thoughts on life have also been so changed and molded over the past few years that sometimes I can't even believe I'm the same person I used to be. In college I was obsessed with going to law school and becoming an attorney, and now I literally could never see myself doing anything accept what I'm doing. When I was younger I didn't like dogs and was never a fan of children, now I love dogs and kids more than anything else in life, except God and my job, lol. I never wanted pets or kids, and I was sure I never wanted to get married, and if I did it wouldn't be until I was in my thirties. Now here I am, with the views that the person I used to be would absolutely abhor. I don't know what changed me, or how I came to be who I am now, but I'm pretty sure that for whatever reason, God wanted me to become the person I am now, with the ideals I have now, and the life I have now.
One of the main reason I was ok with leaving the city was the fact that it's so hard to settle down here and even harder to raise a family here. When I came here a few years ago, these thoughts would have never, ever come across my mind. Some days I wake up and I can't believe I'm in my mid-twenties, I feel like I was just 21 yesterday, and now here I am almost a quarter of a century old. My friends who used to be huge party girls are now spending their spare time planning weddings and baby showers instead of going to happy hour. I realize I have chosen to live my life for my career for the past 3 years, and I have chosen to live in this city where relationships are practically non-exsistent, I don't regret a second of it. I wouldn't give up any of what I have now for anything else, and I can only pray that who I am today will lead me to who I should be with tomorrow. I know life isn't easy. I know relationships aren't easy, but I can only hope that when I meet the right person it will all fall into place exactly the way it should, no matter what the circumstances. And maybe that will be the happy ending to my sort-of fairytale life.
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,You never need to carry more than you can hold,And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish."-Rascall Flatts
xoxo,
LMM
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Of All The Gin Joints In All The World...
Apparently Gin is in, or at least we thought it was last night. Katie, Megan and I went out and at some point Megan and I decided that Gin was going to be our drink of choice for the night. This coincidentally did not turn out to be the best decision we'd ever made. Katie was smart enough to leave early before we were totally out of control, but Megan and I, as usual, couldn't leave until we were completely ridiculous, lol. There was a lot of dancing, a lot of spillage and somehow the night ended with us running into Ivy's friends. I'm not really sure about the specifics, but I am sure of several crucial details of the night's events: 1. Megan made out with one of them, but we're not sure which one and 2. One of them saw me coming home yesterday morning with HFM and 3. Ivy was most definitely informed of all of this within minutes. Once again, I ask myself, WTF, and thank God I have Megan to share this with, and thank God even more that I'll have her in Miami to recreate more Megan and Torrie moments that would never, ever, in a million years happen to anyone else. Wow.
XoXo,
LMM
XoXo,
LMM
Friday, May 2, 2008
They Say 99% Of What We Worry About Never Happens.
They say 99% of what we worry about never happens. So technically we should be worrying 99% less than we are. Since about the age of 5, when I started kindergarten, I have been a worrier. In elementary and middle school I worried about not getting all A's and freaked out if I got a B+. In high school I worried about suddenly not being "popular" anymore, and was overly nice to everyone from the geek in my gym class to the cafeteria lady to make sure everyone continued to love me. In college I worried about pledging the "right" sorority and once I became a sister my next worry was what I was going to do after college. I was dead set on law school when I decided to take an internship at MTV in NYC and decided there were a lot more fun things to do for a living than sitting in a courtroom all day. After college, I worried about finding the "perfect" job. I went through a few hellish steps on the corporate ladder and freaked out about where my life was going, until I finally found a job that made me happy and was right for me.
On the outside, it seems like I should have nothing to worry about these days. But my quarter life crisis has come to visit and I'm still worried. I'm worried that the decisions I'm making today could affect the rest of my life. I'm worried that I don't know what the right decisions are. I'm terrified that I'm going to make a wrong decision and end up with a closet of Manolos, even more Betsey's, so basically a fabulous wardrobe, and no one to wear it for if I keep going the way I'm going. I guess I'm just bad at dating. I never used to be like this. I was seriously "The Girlfriend". You know those girls that are seemingly born with a boyfriend because no matter what time of year or day you catch them on, they have a boyfriend. I actually liked being in relationships and I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself. Then. I moved to New York. I dated Ivy for over a year, I broke up with him, and suddenly I realized I'd morphed into "Non-Relationship Girl". AKA "girl who is bored and disinterested by the second, max third date and is happier being single than with any of the guys she's "seeing"". Maybe my standards have risen drastically, or maybe New York has done this to me, but it just used to seem so much easier. I swear I would meet a guy, we would like each other, hang out a few times and we were together. These days it's so much harder. It's like I meet a guy, we like each other, we go out a few times, and I'm totally disinterested because I realize I can't see a future with him, so what's the point?
I think I've been doing this for so long now that I'm just used to playing that game. It's like I expect to be bored or disinterested so I don't let myself care at all, because I've somehow developed Jerry Seinfeld syndrome and find something disturbingly annoying about every guy I date. Then I finally find someone who doesn't annoy the shit out of me, who I could possibly see a future with, and I'm the one who freaks out. I think when it comes down to it, I need to stop freaking out and worrying what could be and live my life, and I need to man up and get over it. I need to realize that no great things in life come without risk and stop being such a baby. Wow. This was empowering. I think my freak out stage just might be over now...For HFM's sake...Let's hope. ;)
xoxo,
LMM
On the outside, it seems like I should have nothing to worry about these days. But my quarter life crisis has come to visit and I'm still worried. I'm worried that the decisions I'm making today could affect the rest of my life. I'm worried that I don't know what the right decisions are. I'm terrified that I'm going to make a wrong decision and end up with a closet of Manolos, even more Betsey's, so basically a fabulous wardrobe, and no one to wear it for if I keep going the way I'm going. I guess I'm just bad at dating. I never used to be like this. I was seriously "The Girlfriend". You know those girls that are seemingly born with a boyfriend because no matter what time of year or day you catch them on, they have a boyfriend. I actually liked being in relationships and I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself. Then. I moved to New York. I dated Ivy for over a year, I broke up with him, and suddenly I realized I'd morphed into "Non-Relationship Girl". AKA "girl who is bored and disinterested by the second, max third date and is happier being single than with any of the guys she's "seeing"". Maybe my standards have risen drastically, or maybe New York has done this to me, but it just used to seem so much easier. I swear I would meet a guy, we would like each other, hang out a few times and we were together. These days it's so much harder. It's like I meet a guy, we like each other, we go out a few times, and I'm totally disinterested because I realize I can't see a future with him, so what's the point?
I think I've been doing this for so long now that I'm just used to playing that game. It's like I expect to be bored or disinterested so I don't let myself care at all, because I've somehow developed Jerry Seinfeld syndrome and find something disturbingly annoying about every guy I date. Then I finally find someone who doesn't annoy the shit out of me, who I could possibly see a future with, and I'm the one who freaks out. I think when it comes down to it, I need to stop freaking out and worrying what could be and live my life, and I need to man up and get over it. I need to realize that no great things in life come without risk and stop being such a baby. Wow. This was empowering. I think my freak out stage just might be over now...For HFM's sake...Let's hope. ;)
xoxo,
LMM
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Hello, I've Had You On My Mind...
Why do I always feel the need to complicate my life even more than it is already complicated on an almost daily basis? Can someone please help me out with that answer? And it's never silly, petty little life complications, it's like major life complications and for whatever reason I'm amazing at creating them and throwing them into the mix of Torrie's screwed up life. It is so typical of me to start dating someone weeks before I move across the country. I really don't know what I'm thinking. I really don't know if I'm thinking at all, because all along I've been telling myself I wasn't going to date or get attached to anyone because I'm leaving. And what do I go and do? The exact opposite. I really don't get it. It's almost like I purposely torture myself by making my life ridiculous. I mean really.
This doesn't even make sense. I must be insane. I can barely stay committed to a purse for more than two weeks, how am I going to date someone half way across the country? I know the logical answer would be to end things and not get more attached than I already am and move on with my life and forget all about him. But. I just can't. I know I would regret it so much if I let go such a great guy just because things are going to be hard for a while because we're apart. I've honestly never freaked out more dating anyone else than I have with him. I literally freak out all the time, because for the first time since Ivy, I actually see the possibility of a future with someone and I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up. I guess the reason I was so whatever with all the other guys I've dated is because deep down I didn't really give a shit what happened with them, because I didn't care. So now I have this amazing guy who I'm crazy about, who adores me back and I'm completely freaked out about the whole thing. Because for the first time in my life I'm really scared I'm going to screw everything up and lose him.
Maybe we push people away because we're scared of getting closer and even more scared of getting hurt? Things are so easy with him, easier than I can ever remember things being before, and that scares the shit out of me...
"Cause baby I've been lightly drinking, and a little bit too heavy on the thinking. And I, I've never been so amused. There ain't nothing left to prove. I've got nothing left to lose."-Tristan Prettyman.
XoXo,
LMM
This doesn't even make sense. I must be insane. I can barely stay committed to a purse for more than two weeks, how am I going to date someone half way across the country? I know the logical answer would be to end things and not get more attached than I already am and move on with my life and forget all about him. But. I just can't. I know I would regret it so much if I let go such a great guy just because things are going to be hard for a while because we're apart. I've honestly never freaked out more dating anyone else than I have with him. I literally freak out all the time, because for the first time since Ivy, I actually see the possibility of a future with someone and I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up. I guess the reason I was so whatever with all the other guys I've dated is because deep down I didn't really give a shit what happened with them, because I didn't care. So now I have this amazing guy who I'm crazy about, who adores me back and I'm completely freaked out about the whole thing. Because for the first time in my life I'm really scared I'm going to screw everything up and lose him.
Maybe we push people away because we're scared of getting closer and even more scared of getting hurt? Things are so easy with him, easier than I can ever remember things being before, and that scares the shit out of me...
"Cause baby I've been lightly drinking, and a little bit too heavy on the thinking. And I, I've never been so amused. There ain't nothing left to prove. I've got nothing left to lose."-Tristan Prettyman.
XoXo,
LMM
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