They Say 99% Of What We Worry About Never Happens.

They say 99% of what we worry about never happens. So technically we should be worrying 99% less than we are. Since about the age of 5, when I started kindergarten, I have been a worrier. In elementary and middle school I worried about not getting all A's and freaked out if I got a B+. In high school I worried about suddenly not being "popular" anymore, and was overly nice to everyone from the geek in my gym class to the cafeteria lady to make sure everyone continued to love me. In college I worried about pledging the "right" sorority and once I became a sister my next worry was what I was going to do after college. I was dead set on law school when I decided to take an internship at MTV in NYC and decided there were a lot more fun things to do for a living than sitting in a courtroom all day. After college, I worried about finding the "perfect" job. I went through a few hellish steps on the corporate ladder and freaked out about where my life was going, until I finally found a job that made me happy and was right for me.

On the outside, it seems like I should have nothing to worry about these days. But my quarter life crisis has come to visit and I'm still worried. I'm worried that the decisions I'm making today could affect the rest of my life. I'm worried that I don't know what the right decisions are. I'm terrified that I'm going to make a wrong decision and end up with a closet of Manolos, even more Betsey's, so basically a fabulous wardrobe, and no one to wear it for if I keep going the way I'm going. I guess I'm just bad at dating. I never used to be like this. I was seriously "The Girlfriend". You know those girls that are seemingly born with a boyfriend because no matter what time of year or day you catch them on, they have a boyfriend. I actually liked being in relationships and I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself. Then. I moved to New York. I dated Ivy for over a year, I broke up with him, and suddenly I realized I'd morphed into "Non-Relationship Girl". AKA "girl who is bored and disinterested by the second, max third date and is happier being single than with any of the guys she's "seeing"". Maybe my standards have risen drastically, or maybe New York has done this to me, but it just used to seem so much easier. I swear I would meet a guy, we would like each other, hang out a few times and we were together. These days it's so much harder. It's like I meet a guy, we like each other, we go out a few times, and I'm totally disinterested because I realize I can't see a future with him, so what's the point?

I think I've been doing this for so long now that I'm just used to playing that game. It's like I expect to be bored or disinterested so I don't let myself care at all, because I've somehow developed Jerry Seinfeld syndrome and find something disturbingly annoying about every guy I date. Then I finally find someone who doesn't annoy the shit out of me, who I could possibly see a future with, and I'm the one who freaks out. I think when it comes down to it, I need to stop freaking out and worrying what could be and live my life, and I need to man up and get over it. I need to realize that no great things in life come without risk and stop being such a baby. Wow. This was empowering. I think my freak out stage just might be over now...For HFM's sake...Let's hope. ;)

xoxo,
LMM