Hello, I've Had You On My Mind...

Why do I always feel the need to complicate my life even more than it is already complicated on an almost daily basis? Can someone please help me out with that answer? And it's never silly, petty little life complications, it's like major life complications and for whatever reason I'm amazing at creating them and throwing them into the mix of Torrie's screwed up life. It is so typical of me to start dating someone weeks before I move across the country. I really don't know what I'm thinking. I really don't know if I'm thinking at all, because all along I've been telling myself I wasn't going to date or get attached to anyone because I'm leaving. And what do I go and do? The exact opposite. I really don't get it. It's almost like I purposely torture myself by making my life ridiculous. I mean really.

This doesn't even make sense. I must be insane. I can barely stay committed to a purse for more than two weeks, how am I going to date someone half way across the country? I know the logical answer would be to end things and not get more attached than I already am and move on with my life and forget all about him. But. I just can't. I know I would regret it so much if I let go such a great guy just because things are going to be hard for a while because we're apart. I've honestly never freaked out more dating anyone else than I have with him. I literally freak out all the time, because for the first time since Ivy, I actually see the possibility of a future with someone and I'm terrified I'm going to fuck it up. I guess the reason I was so whatever with all the other guys I've dated is because deep down I didn't really give a shit what happened with them, because I didn't care. So now I have this amazing guy who I'm crazy about, who adores me back and I'm completely freaked out about the whole thing. Because for the first time in my life I'm really scared I'm going to screw everything up and lose him.

Maybe we push people away because we're scared of getting closer and even more scared of getting hurt? Things are so easy with him, easier than I can ever remember things being before, and that scares the shit out of me...

"Cause baby I've been lightly drinking, and a little bit too heavy on the thinking. And I, I've never been so amused. There ain't nothing left to prove. I've got nothing left to lose."-Tristan Prettyman.

XoXo,
LMM