I Don't Want A Clean Slate.

It feels weird being back in NYC, I think I almost forgot what it felt like to live here for few weeks. My friend Kate flew in from Seattle this morning, and was greeted by a disaster of a house. My roommate swears the maid is coming today. I pray he's right, especially since I'm showing my apartment tomorrow. After work I have a charity event to go to, then I'm meeting a few girlfriends out at our favorite bar for a drink or two with Kate. I keep thinking about how different my life is going to be if I'm living in Florida. I also keep thinking about what a pain in the ass moving and apartment and an office across the country is. I definitely want to do a girl's dinner next weekend before I go back. Above all else, I will miss not seeing my friends here all the time.

Last night the Nicer Mr. Nice Guy texted me with: "I've heard you've dated a lot of guys." Well, ok. I have dated a lot of guys, as in dated, not had serious relationships with or hooked up with. I'm starting to think that this might bother him, though I don't see why it would. I am who I am, and my past, including who I've dated is a part of who I am now. I don't regret any of it. I honestly feel like I've learned more from dating different types of people than I ever could have by staying with the same person forever. I finally know what I want in a person and the things I like and don't like in a relationship. I would have never known any of that if I wouldn't have dated around as much as I have. And the past four months of serial dating on my part greatly needed in my opinion, to help me realize all of these things about what I want and don't want. I feel like now I am finally in the place to date someone and know 100% that they are what I want in a person. Sometimes doesn't it take dating the wrong person to find out what you love about the right one?

Yes, I've had my heart broken. And, yes, I've broken a few hearts. I've hurt people and I've been hurt. I've led people on and I've been led on. But in the end, every experience was worth it, because now when I do meet the right person I'll appreciate them so much more, because of everything else I've experienced. I don't really know how to explain it, but I have this new found sense of self, like I can do anything I want to do, and I have an open heart. I'm finally with out all of the fucked up issues Ivy left with me with, because I'm over it and I've let it all go. It feels so empowering to be in a place where I have no obligations to anyone and have the power to decide where my life goes and who I share it with. I don't feel the need to date anyone, but if I meet the right person, I know in my heart it will be right. I've had the weirdest feeling for the past month that the next person I date is going to either mold a great part of my life from now on, or will be the person I end up with. I can't explain why, but I haven't been able to shake that thought for weeks. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm overstressed or just plain exhausted. Or. Maybe I'm finally ready to meet someone worth settling down for...

XoXo,
LMM