Take It All In.

I've never understood why some people go into and go out of our lives leaving such a meaningful impression, while others just seem to float away never to be thought of again. I've had people in my life that I knew for weeks who I've thought of more frequently than people I knew for years. This especially applies to my dating life. Why can we so easily forget one person we dated, yet in our minds never let go of another? I've always been able to cut guys out of my life with such velocity and indifference that it's shocked those around me. Even with the guys I had serious relationships with. One day I would just wake up, decide I wasn't happy anymore, break up with them and be sad for a day or two, then move on. This has been my m.o. for as long as I can remember.

But there are exceptions to every rule. There are a few people in my life who I no longer speak to that I still think of often. I can't explain why, none of them should have really had any profound impact on me or my life after them. But for whatever reason, they are, to this day still a part of my mind's landscape and no matter how hard I try to keep my mind from wandering to thoughts of them, it seems an impossible task.

It's not like I wake up in the morning and see their face, or go to bed at night and think of them. It's more like I hear a song at a bar and my mind immediately correlated the lyrics with one of them. Or I walk past a couple holding hands on the subway, or see a sunset for the first time in months and for whatever reason wish they were there standing next to me. I know it's ridiculous, because there's a 99.9 percent chance I will never date either of these people ever again and there is a 99.9999 percent chance I will never even speak to one of them again. But still, there is some part of me that just can't let either of them go. I think my thoughts of the one I still speak to are simply out of nostalgia of a time that I will never get back or be able to go back to, of a life that I loved living, but a life that is simply no longer who I am or ever will be again. The other, I can't really explain at all, since we had no significant relationship at all and the times we spent together I can count on both hands. I suppose in reality, the fact that he was so profoundly different from anyone I had ever met is the real reason I'm unable to forget him and unable to erase him from my mind completely.

I don't know why I'm even writing about this right now, but for some reason I feel the need to continue. We met directly after things finally ended between Ivy and I and to say I was a little fucked up would be an understatement. I wasn't sad or depressed over leaving Ivy. I was really confused, because I was alone for the first time in over a year. It wasn't that I missed Ivy, because when things ended between us I felt more relief than any other emotion. It was, however, that I needed to figure out who I was, sans Ivy, and looking back a part of me was still honestly wrapped up in who I was with Ivy. I don't know if this makes any sense at all to anyone else, but I somehow allowed myself to be a different person when I dated Ivy. It took a great amount of soul searching, a few self help books and some time without caring about anyone to figure out who I was without anyone else who meant anything to me in the picture. Anyways, I guess he, (let's be realistic here: Mr. Nice Guy), basically came into my life when I was just starting to figure all of that out.

It's definitely not one of those "I think about him all the time and miss him so much" things. Because I barely knew him at all, let alone enough to miss him or think of him every day. But I would absolutely be lying if I didn't say my mind wandered to thoughts of him more frequently than it probably should. I have, of course, moved on and dated other people. And, I have of course let go of the notion that we will ever speak again, as it has been months since we last communicated. But I truly feel there will always be a piece of me that misses him, not who I thought he was to me, or what others viewed him as. But the him that made me laugh at his dorkiness, and made me want to learn more about what else was out there, to gain more knowledge and leave my own reality's bubble and see outside the box. Even if he was an asshole at times. They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In this case, I'd like to think he actually came into my life for a few reasons. To help me realize how wrong Ivy was for me. And. To make me open my eyes and see that it's a big world out there and in the end, the best we can do is learn more about it and try our best to take it all in.

Xoxo From Sunny South Florida,
LMM