Am I More Than You Bargained For?

I think I've been honest to the point of my own detriment lately. Really. Like I think or worry about something and I say it. For future reference this is not always a good idea, and does not always have great reactions from those around you. Especially those you are dating. Last night I was texting HFM and I basically freaked out because I am leaving and while he will be there soon after, we'll still be in different places for a while and I just didn't want to get attached to him and then be half way across the country. So being the complete idiot I am, I decided to tell him this and freak out about whether we should keep seeing each other or not. This was basically retarded considering he's literally the nicest guy in the world and I always have so much fun with him, but then again I guess I am relationship retarded with my own personal life these days.

I guess you could say I am one of those people with what my friends and I like to call "cinematic personalities". Basically I want everything in life to be perfect, like in the movies, and I'm not happy unless everything plays out as dramatically and big as it does on screen. So, whenever something doesn't go exactly as I think it should in real life, I freak out and think things aren't going the way they should and either A. leave the situation entirely and move on or B. freak out and try and make things the way I think they should be. Just in case you were wondering, I realize this is not a good trait to have.

I definitely hurt HFM's feelings by freaking out and telling him I don't know if we can hang out anymore, and I'm not even really sure why I did it, because I definitely didn't mean it and now I feel awful. I have this great guy, who adores me and who I think is great, and this is what I do. I'm really not surprised though, considering this is me we're talking about. One of my best friends told me this morning that she's never seen me happier than I've been with him and that she thinks he's perfect for me. Great. 12 hours to late and both us have come to this conclusion simultaneously. Typical. Why do we always push away the people that are probably the ones we should be pulling closer when things get difficult? I need to figure out the answer...

"Am I more than you bargained for yet/I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear/Cause that's just who I am this week."-Fall Out Boy

XoXo,
LMM